DATELINE - EUROPE
People in europe are more sophisticated than Americans and they like to ride bikes. Bikes are an excellent source of being seen, and also provide excellent reassurance for your self images. With that in mind, I present the following bike facts:
- Bikes are useful for taking to store or office.
- Bikes provide infrastructure to the people of Europe.
- Bikes are convenient ways to have drug addicts deliver you packages for business.
Section 1: Why Europe is way better than America.
Europe presents the following advantages to America (including Canada):
- Bike infrastructure.
- Centuries of inbreeding.
- Cars that are so small you actually look less retarded riding a bike.
- Worthless Italian Currency
Section 2: Photography.
Bikes look like this:
Lambs look like this:
Section 3: History
Bikes were invented by socialists in the late ninteenth century as a compromise between pedophilia and their spiritual dictator, Henry Ford. Ford, himself an arch-catholic decided that it was a good alternative to the capitalist poison he was producing in his car factory. The socialists then thought that it would be a good idea to ride bikes everywhere so they could take up space on the roads and enrage the good americans that were trying to drive across the road.
After the initial proliferation of Bikes, it was found that they were an excellent accessory to smuggling cocaine in hollowed out babies, and thus the American underground economy and dead-baby trade was born.
Fast-forward to the mid-20th century. Hitler escaped Germany by bike and managed to swim to Brazil where he was warmly greeted by the Brazillian Society of Transvestites, where his moustache was found to be quite popular. Between his favorite "tranny moustache ride -- by Hitler" booth at the (brazillian) county fair, and their extensive skills at braiding armpit hair. The new Nationalist Socialist Society of Nazi Transvestites on Bikes gained such widespread recognition to the morally depraved porn addicts living in brazil, that Hitler and his entourage once again had to turn underground, and they headed north through mexico, dragging armloads of dead babies stuffed with cocaine.
Riding high on his bike, amped by cocaine and refreshing tranny-incest, hitler used his moustache powers to cross the border, criminalize marijuana, Hitler rode his bike to the fortress of the now-immortal Henry ford, who had long since had his blood replaced with confectioners sugar and had giant cyber-wings attached. Reunited, the two friends planned a sequel to their american capitalist project and hatched a new plan to spread the acceptance of Bike: Youth Culture.
In the postwar period, the emerging youth culture was one of complete self-absorption and arrogance. Having suddenly grown up in the most affluent generation the world had seen, they acted like typical aristocrats: fucking everyone, taking drugs and acting as though there were no consequence to anything. Predictably, they considered this their prime moment and that they were in fact a revoultionary generation when they were really just spoiled and self-centered (this generation continued and will continue to act this way until they are all dead). Clearly, this was an ignorant demographic ripe for manipulation. The socialist transplants then littered the mindscape with the idea that inferior german cars (hitlers pre-war work, no less) were a fashionable way to drive to their body-lice spreading "festivals", increasing the dependence on large vans and tiny vehicles named after insects, mostly so they could litter the landscape with unwanted children and spread diseases in the name of "free-love".
Slowly, Hitler and the now heavily surgically augmented Henry Ford cultivated this narcisstic fashion sense, encouraging the ravaging of the environment, and depletion of non-renewable resources. As this dependency increased, the gradually poisoned society with the idea that these same narcisscists who had caused the problem should be the ones to fix it by telling everyone else how to live (they were the revolutionary generation, after all). The mental hook had been baited, and through the massive propaganda machine, Bikes were unleashed among the unsuspecting populace.
The Americans, being highly suggestible immediately cottoned to the idea, announced they had originally come up with the idea, and decided to force their new fad down the throats of the rest of the population.
And those are the facts. Now that you know the truth, you should be aware that even though you are being subliminally conditioned to accept Bike and Bike Enthusiasm as a "viable and sustainable form of transportation for the future, and shit, bro." that bikes, actually are the best option.
Do it for the environment, do it because its the right thing, do it for Hitler, Ford the Cyberdemon and their legions of coke-smuggling transvestite hippies. Do it for Europe!